Category Archives: food

The One Percent Wedding

My floaty turquoise dress looked beautiful when I was at home. Perfectly hemmed to be just above the knee, with a cinched in waist and bright shiny beading, I thought it was perfect for this black tie optional affair. The tulle seemed to flow around me like fairy wings as I pulled up to the Beverly Hills Hotel with my friend Melissa, ready to accompany her to her friend’s wedding.

Although I had no investment in the bride or groom (I was, as certain person put it, “the sexy plus one”), this wedding was a big hurdle for me. It would be my first wedding since my divorce three and a half years ago and my first single girl wedding as an adult. I was ready to get over this obstacle and move forward so I could attend my friends’ upcoming weddings with no need to freak out over it — not to mention possibly get a little action on the side from a lonely groomsman. I was doing this Wedding Crashers style, except I was actually invited.

Melissa was on my arm as we entered in the posh lobby. A man with a white coat and black bow tie greeted us, but as we sat down in the corner, I watched the groups of tuxedoed guests, draped in diamonds and long evening gowns, greeting each other with posh accents. They swam around the lobby with fake air kisses like they were going to the Oscars, dressed all in black. My turquoise flowy frock stood out in the crowd, and I became more aware that this dress once upon a time had come from Nordstrom Rack, not Neiman Marcus. My broke, normal, lower middle-class American human side was showing.

The average wedding in Los Angeles costs over $36,000, but this was over the top. Red carpets, the pristine blooms and attired help that wandered through the lobby. This commoner was driving up to the hotel’s entrance in a Nissan Maxima and discount dress. It was me infiltrating a world of old money that I had never been a part of, had always rebelled against while at the same time exhibiting heaping amounts of ambition to have a better life than the one that was given to me. Judging by the eyes that glanced over me, I knew this wasn’t going to be a wedding where 4,000 Syrian refugees were fed instead of a lavish ceremony and reception, but a full-on display of pure excess. All I could think was, So this is what happens when a 99 percenter goes to a 1 percent wedding.

We walked into the lush green courtyard where no one alerted the hotel staff that California is actually in a drought, and were handed pink lemonade in wine glasses that was the exact same color of the hotel exterior. Instead of a plain cloth aisle runner, it was a stretch of ivory carpet, and the wedding canopy had thick foliage of white roses and other various shrubbery. The string quartet in the corner, also draped in black, were playing classical pieces such as Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy,” as the guests whispered to one another about random, trivial things. Looking at the bottom of my empty lemonade glass, I hoped it had been spiked.

Since my return to this great city three and a half years ago, I find that most places in Los Angeles I will somehow find a way to fit in. Every club, bar and restaurant in the city of angels, no matter where it is, seems to have a corner for a little devil like me. Even though there are the haves and have nots in this city, we all seem to blend in a bit in pursuit of good times and happy occasions.

Despite that, there are certain parts of the city where these differences are more pronounced, like my time in Watts and its barred homes. And I wasn’t technically in Los Angeles at this shindig. This was Beverly Hills, the very heart of it, where ladies with pulled back dyed hair to hide their gray, with chic gowns and shining jewelry pranced like ponies on display. Every time another wedding coordinator passed me by on the side with a transparent earpiece in, all I could see were dollar signs.

“I’ve been to six weddings here,” Melissa said. “My parents got married here too.”

“My uncle got married here, 18 years ago,” said, “But I don’t think I would know anyone who would get married here.”

“Maybe Bryce.”

“No, Bryce wouldn’t get married here. She’d probably get married in New Jersey.”

“That’s true.”

I looked around. “I guess we’re going to New Jersey at one point.”

We continued to talk about the weekend’s past events, from the guy at the bar who was trying to get me to give his friend a lap dance to my mom’s birthday, all with my occasional slipping of the f-bomb. Melissa was laughing while trying to get me to quiet down, and I was left questioning that pink lemonade, slipping on my sunglasses at the bright sun shone down and joking how this was the only way I was going to get a tan.

Suddenly, the bridal party arrived, and the wedding began. The rabbi and cantor from the poshest synagogue in Los Angeles walked up the aisle, although I was wondering if they actually knew the bride and groom or they were there because of the location. As each of the groomsmen walked up, I began rating them, with Melissa giggling and shushing me every step of the way.

As the wedding began and the bride and groom went under the wedding canopy, I couldn’t help but to let my mind wander a bit. As each step of the ceremony took place, I thought of my wedding, with little details that time slipped away. How when the wine was blessed during my wedding, I kept my lips tight and didn’t drink a single drop. When the rabbi who introduced us came up to talk and spoke of my ex’s love of football and how him getting married during football season was a huge sacrifice. Asking my now-ex who the Chargers were playing right there under the wedding canopy, which left the entire room laughing. There was no laughter here.

Perhaps it was one of the side effects of divorce, which in my case included several trips to social services, dead-end jobs to pay the bills and a lower credit score. As the rabbi prattled on about love and forever, I didn’t want to be bitter, but it couldn’t be helped. There wasn’t always forever, no matter how much we wanted it. There wasn’t always a guarantee of love, and even if there wasn’t a divorce in their future, of happiness. Marriage takes work and commitment on a regular basis. That is one thing that doesn’t always come even if you throw gobs of green cash and flower petals at it.

As the groom stepped on the glass, my excitement grew. I loved this part, my favorite part of any wedding. I wanted to scream out “Mazel tov!” the way I had at other Jewish weddings and start singing. But at my voice reached a fever pitch, I realized I was probably 100 decibels louder in joy than anyone else. I lowered my voice as the clapping of the surrounding people felt more appropriate at the hotel’s famed polo lounge than at a wedding. Yet as the groom and bride kissed, all I could think was, My ex never kissed me under the chuppah. He hugged me instead.

We headed into the cocktail hour, Melissa on my arm, and another white jacketed man greeted us.

“There is the open bar over there, with sushi, and then outside you’ll find shrimp, lobster and oysters at the raw bar,” he said. For a 99 percenter, I do happen to like fancy food things, so as Melissa found some people who she knew, I saddled up for all the gourmet goodies, topping it off with a glass of cabernet. People would try to come up and greet me, but the moment they heard I was a plus one there was an immediate scurrying away.

Downing the jumbo shrimp and snacking on the New Zealand rack of lamb servers were passing that around, I sat on the comfortable wicker couches outside. As the sun went down, the math in my head was whirring up, remembering those old wedding planning days. Each appetizer was probably another X amount per person, on top of the costs per plate of the dinner and the open bar. There were a lot of hungry people tonight throughout greater Los Angeles, and they certainly weren’t eating rack of lamb. Hell, I wasn’t most of the time.

As I looked at Melissa, talking to one of her old friends, she was straddling this line of blending in with the one percenters better than me. I didn’t know how. All I knew was that the jumbo shrimp were about the size of my fist, and a part of me loved and hated them all at once.

A white-jacketed server came out to ring the bells and sing out in a pleasant voice that dinner was served. I ushered Melissa to dinner, and the opulence surrounding me was nothing short of insane. The flower arrangements looked like a Martha Stewart Wedding magazine invaded the room for battle, and the gold-rimmed charger plates with the menu, accented with calla lilies, took the photo-ready feel over the top. It was so overwhelming that I challenged one of the guys at the singles table to a light saber duel with the flower just to tone it down.

I looked down and there were so many utensils and glasses that I couldn’t see straight. My light saber duel partner came over and he instructed me to eat from the outside in. His different colored eyes flashed at me as he talked to me about going to Brown with the groom for undergrad before the groom went off to Harvard for law school. I gritted my teeth a bit, knowing that Cal State Fullerton graduate was probably not something I should boast about here, no matter how strong our journalism program was.

Course after course came — ravioli appetizer, elegant salad with wine dipped pears, for me a beef tenderloin entree, cooked perfectly rare. My light saber partner got more and more drunk, coming over to my chair and leaning over it to an absurd amount. I asked him if he was staying at the hotel, and he said no — he was staying at a hotel over by Melissa’s house, and Ubered over. There was almost an insinuation in his voice that, after I dropped her off, I should come by.

I accompanied Melissa to the bathroom, passing the white curtains and the little Hispanic ladies in French maid outfits who were standing in the corners. As we headed back, I heard the music playing from the band. As the doors opened, I overheard a woman talking into the microphone, but after a few words, I realized it wasn’t talking. It was rapping. And the song was Warren G’s “Regulate,” the gangster classic about violence and, um, the rap term for girls.

“I don’t even know this song,” Melissa said as I was left stammering. The song then it parlayed into Ice Cube’s “Today Was a Good Day.” I shook my head, unbelieving of what I was hearing. The band was shouting, “Shake ‘em up, shake ‘em up, shake ‘em up, shake ‘em,” referring to South Central sidewalk craps games. The pale skin of all the guests on the dance floor in their fancy tuxedos were swaying back and forth with the older, wrinkled ladies draped in diamonds and portly gentlemen trying to appear hip and knowing of the music.

My mind went to that recent visit to Watts, seeing those bars on the windows. And I looked around the room at all the guests, wondering if anyone in there ever had stepped foot in South Central Los Angeles at all, let alone without going, “Where’s the nearest juice cleanse?”

As we settled back in our chairs, Melissa and I began talking, just the two of us. Even though my voice would slip into f-bombs and had to get louder to talk over the music, we talked freely. We spoke of the years past and how, a year ago, I had a falling out with two friends, and how we should be making up. As we discussed our friends, my resentment towards my one percent surroundings and overanalyzing of wedding culture faded into the candlelight. My friends, the people that I loved the most — this was what mattered, this was what counted in life.

For some people, all that counted was large shrimp, fancy dishes and Martha Stewart. Yet I remembered at the ceremony, when the rabbi was discussing about how the decision was made about coming together and standing strong as two, I was changing his speech in my mind to one. It wasn’t my wedding but my divorce that made me stronger in love, not only for myself but for many more people around me. It would make me stronger for when it was time to return under the chuppah with the best partner and create what I was always meant to: A loving family, a happy life made up of the right people.

When we left that night, I said goodbye to my light saber partner, making no further inquiries about his hotel room but watching him try to encourage me to crash the brunch the next morning. Melissa and I continued talking about our lives and the people we love, and how even she felt awkward in the room where this extravagance was on full display, and she had grown up around it. As I dropped her off and headed home, singing to my music, I felt more fulfilled than any one-night stand from a wedding could bring me.

There was a confidence in me that I finally knew what mattered, and it wasn’t the appearances of decadence and class. It was in that there was love in everything that I brought into my life and to the lives around me. It was about finding joy. It was about creating love with someone, not smoke and mirrors that show up on one day of your life and might disappear on the next. Sure, there are flirtations, one night stands and other various dating antics in my life, but one day there won’t be. There will be a groom to my bride once again. But until then, I’m liking my life right now.

The next morning, with the previous night’s makeup flaking underneath my eyes, I woke up to the text of a friend. “Hey, did you ride around on a groomsman last night?”

I laughed to myself, loving how my friends make me smile every day then messaged him back with a joke. “Nope, and am highly disappointed in myself. After all, the Beverly Hills Hotel does have a polo lounge.”

Thou Shall Eat Deliciously: Ten Commandments for Foodies

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Like most humans out there in the greater universe, I love food. There is a world of flavors out there, and living in one of the culinary hotspots on the planet (sorry New York, but our produce in Los Angeles is better), I get to try a whole bunch of them. And not only that, I have access to all of them at diverse markets nearby so I can create my own variations in my kitchen at home. My love of food, both of eating it and cooking it, is pretty well known due to a previous food blog with my own recipes and currently running a foodie cluster for Jewish young professionals in Los Angeles.

However, with great foodie-ness comes great responsibility. As foodies, we have to uphold certain values when it comes to getting our grub on in the world. We all eat, but being a foodie means savoring and valuing it. This is the reason why we have designated ourselves as a part of the foodie race; because we understand that food is a part of life, but goes beyond that to become a part of our very existences and interactions.

Therefore, I decided to create the Ten Commandments for Foodies. If you want to be a true foodie, follow these simple rules and I guarantee you an awesome and delectable experience.

1) Thou shall be adventurous. Chocolate bars with masala or rattlesnake sausage may sound a little crazy, and there are certainly some weird foods out there. But being a foodie means trying something that may have some people scratching their heads and wondering why you did that. Don’t let their wrinkled noses and fake barfing sounds deter you. Go ahead and try that yak at the Himalayan restaurant down the street or taste the ice cream with the bits of caramelized turkey skin in them. Ignore the haters. There’s a reason why you’re the foodie and not them.

2) Thou shall not be a snob. Random fact: Most human beings on the earth have to eat food in order to survive. You’re not the only one who eats. Yes, you may enjoy food, but it doesn’t make you special that you can pick and choose exotic flavors to enjoy or that you plunked down a large amount of cash for a meal. Don’t act like you rule the world simply because you know the difference between crème brulee and crème fraiche. Being a foodie doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Also remember that not everyone in the world has the luxury to have food. Let that guilt sink in while you’re ordering your microgreens.

3) Thou shall respect your food service professionals. It takes many hands to bring your delicious food to you: Chefs, sous chefs, pastry chefs, line cooks, waiters, waitresses, and even delivery people. Beyond that, there are bus boys, cashiers, dishwashers and even janitors and decorators who bring about the ambiance of wherever you are. They work hard to give you the best food experience possible, whether it’s delivered to your door, served at your local cafe or a brought out at a nice restaurant. They are not your slaves. Respect your food service professionals and they will respect you. (For more information on this, see my friends at Glove and Boots on restaurant etiquette.)

4) Thou art allowed to have personal preferences, as are thy fellow foodies. There are certain foods we either like or dislike, no matter in what context they are delivered. For example, I hate the taste and smell of bananas. The smell makes me nauseous, and if there’s a banana in a smoothie, it doesn’t matter how many other flavors are in there; I will find it. If someone tries to force you to eat or do something that you don’t want to, it’s your right to walk away. The same goes in relating to your fellow foodies and their food preferences. All your foodie experiences should be fun, not a game in edible superiority.

5) Thou shall not give into peer pressure to like or dislike something. There was a restaurant I went to in Westwood that famous LA food critic Jonathan Gold is gaga for. It’s one of his favorites. But I tried it and it was a big giant, “Meh,” for me. And guess what? That’s completely fine! There are certain places that I absolutely love that I’m sure Jonathan Gold would never step foot into. I’m allowed to not like something, and I won’t dislike something simply because it’s not “cool” in the foodie universe. Every foodie has a unique palate, and that’s what makes each individual foodie special. That being said…

6) Thou shalt not judge thy fellow foodie. My fellow delightful foodies roaming the world all enjoy certain things that I might not. Personally, I’m not as crazy about Mexican food as the general Los Angeles population is. (I know, gasp!) Some of my friends absolutely can’t stand Middle Eastern food and it’s one of my favorite types of cuisine. But it doesn’t matter, because each foodie is one of a kind and doesn’t necessarily share the same interests across the board. But if you judge your fellow foodie, you’re closing the door on sharing other food-related experiences with them, and food is all about bringing people together, not driving them apart.

7) Thou art allowed to maintain health/religious/personal beliefs with food. There are many food limitations out there. People with diabetes have to monitor their sugar and carbohydrates. Those with Celiac disease can’t have gluten. There are vegans, vegetarians, kosher, halal, allergies… the list goes on and on. These issues, whether for a person’s health, religion or belief system, should not make these people less a part of the foodie world. On the contrary, like with foods you like or dislike, you should be enjoying what you’re eating. It’s pretty hard to do that when your religious beliefs are compromised or you’re having an allergic reaction.

8) If it’s good, thou shall share it. Did you find an excellent hole-in-the-wall barbecue place? How about a great new food truck? If so, it is your duty as a foodie to share this information. A lot of independent restaurants, cafes and trucks don’t have a ton of money for great publicity teams that can deliver the message about how amazing their food is. They depend on word-of-mouth, particularly the mouths of fine foodies, whether through conversation or social media. This rule, however, also applies when you’re at a restaurant with your friends. If there is something that’s very delicious that you’re eating, don’t hog it all. Share a taste with your friends. Spread the good word that is food.

9) Thou are allowed personal food pleasures. Sure, I’m a foodie, but guess what? I really like deli food. Take that back. I love deli food. Is it super-gourmet? Nope. Is it tasty? Magnificently so. Will I apologize for it? Not a chance in hell. I have been eating deli food my whole life, probably since I could chew. It’s the food that brings back the memories of my grandparents taking us to eat corned beef sandwiches. We are allowed to have these things in our eating lives that bring back blissful memories. They may not be cool, but they are what make food truly special. And if you want to argue with me, watch this scene from Ratatouille and try not to smile.

10) Thou shall play with your food. If you’re not enjoying what you’re eating, then what’s the point of being a foodie? Whether cooking your own dishes, trying out a new restaurant or returning to your favorite place for the hundredth time, enjoy whatever tastes you choose. Life’s too short to be eating badly, so go for the best stuff that you can and appreciate every mouthful. If you take your food too seriously, you lose the joy and the pleasures that come with a full belly and a satisfied tongue. So don’t be afraid, let’s go play! So bon appétit, betayavon, and rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay G-d!

Do you have any more to add to the list?